No, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth

It’s been a few weeks, I know. But remember that whole time management thing I was talking about? Well, I decided that writing in my blog wasn’t at the top of the to do list. I have unwritten posts floating around in my head somewhere, but I don’t know if they’ll all make it on here.

So, what have I been doing these past few weeks? Nothing terribly different since I last posted, just baby steps. I’m still reading through “Lost it for Life.” I still have not had one sip of Pepsi since I posted that I gave it up. And, I have been trying to feel my emotions, instead of running to the refrigerator in hopes of making those emotions go away.  I’m certainly not 100% cured of that problem, but little successes here and there. Oh, and one more thing to report: I FINALLY pulled out my Wii Fit again. Although I did skip over the part where it reveals my weight to me, I did see my BMI and I nearly fell over. *shudders at the memory*

Today as I was reading LIFL, a section titled “Renewing the mind” really hit me. “So much of the pain and turmoil we feel today has to do with lies implanted from times when we experienced hurt and were wounded. Many of us continue to struggle with overeating because we believe a host of lies.” A couple paragraphs later…”How many times have you known something to be true, such as, God loves me and would never leave me,” and yet you feel this isn’t true. Your experience tells you that what you know to be true isn’t true. And here is the great disconnect: We can know the truth in our heads but not have it connect in our hearts.”

This is something I struggle with (perhaps more often than I’d like to admit). One of my commenters said, in response to my post about surrending, that is really is a daily surrender. I am finding this to be true – and mostly because even though I know in my head that God will help me with this struggle, I don’t think I know it in my heart yet. And so, I have been trying [almost] every day, praying to God to help me, give me the power to say no to my food temptations, and the strength to face my emotions so that I do not turn to food at those points.

Baby steps. That’s what I’m doing right now. Baby steps.

God’s love is better than ice cream.

Oh. my. goodness.

So I’m on my lunch break at work, and I pull out my Lose it for Life book to read a little. I flipped through, and my finger stopped on the first page of Chapter 7.  A few words caught my eye, and I started reading [even though I’m only on Chapter 5].  And I kept reading. What is Chapter 7 about, you ask? Emotional Eating.

Towards the beginning of the chapter, they give 20 questions to help you identify if you are an emotional eater. I answered “yes” or “Sort of” to 18 of them. So guess what? I’m an emotional eater. No surprise here, I already knew this about myself. But to realize how much I do it, well, that was a slap in the face. It means that my feelings often trigger my desire to eat.

THIS is why I haven’t really started the exercising & eating right part [I have made some changes to my eating habits, but still not counting calories here]: because I KNOW that this is the key to unlocking my weight problem. If I don’t fix my emotional eating problems, then I’m never going to keep the weight off. A good analogy that the book made, that helped me understand all of this, has to do with physical pain. God made us so that we experience physical pain as a way to tell us that there is a problem with our body that we need to attend to. Emotional pain is similar; it signals there is a problem that God wants to heal.  I have been numbing my emotional pain with food, when all along God wants to heal me from those hurts.

Then the book goes on to list different types of emotions that can cause us to want to eat: anger, fatigue, depression, loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity, guilt, shame, jealousy, happiness, anxiety/worry, disappointment, emptiness, procrastination, boredom, rejection.  I can identify with many of those. I won’t go into too much detail, but as I was reading each paragraph about these items, there was one that I came to, and just sobbed. I did what the book told me to; I let myself feel the pain of a past hurt, and I cried for 15 minutes straight. And then I asked God to help heal me.

Oh. my. goodness. This is going to be a L O N G journey, I can tell. I’ve buried a LOT of hurts with food, and I’m going to have to do a lot of digging. I can already feel a slight weight lifted off my shoulders today. But there is still a lot there. And I already know its not going to be pretty. I’m not going to post my deepest, darkest secrets here for all the world to see, but I know I have to confide in someone. Keeping it all to myself isn’t going to work. I need to confess, as in James 5:16, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed.” (MSG)

I’m going to end today with a song that’s been in my head today.  The song “Ice Cream” by Sarah McLachlan: “Your love is better than ice cream. Better than anything else that I’ve tried.” Okay so I don’t know who she was talking about when she said, “your love,” but when I sing it, I’m thinking God’s love. I love ice cream. And I’ll still eat it. But I’m trying my hardest not to eat it for the wrong reasons.

Time Management issues. I need to find that Round Tuit…

It’s been a week since I first posted. I’d like to start this post off with some successes from this week:

• I drank my last Pepsi on Sunday.
• Tried a couple  “healthified” recipes this week.
• Moderation. I’ve been much better at my portion sizes, especially desserts.
• Finally decided to surrender this part of my life to God on Sunday.

That’s a good week I think. I still haven’t stepped on the scale yet, I haven’t started my food journal, and I haven’t done any exercising (okay I want to go walk but its HOT outside!). But, celebrate every victory, even the small ones, right?

I’m still not “gung-ho” about this weight loss effort. I mean, yes I want to lose this weight and keep it off, but again, its hard work, and it takes TIME. And this is another fear I have; that I’m not going to be able to “make time” to do this.  Ever since I went back to work after having David, I have been struggling with managing my time.  Between Work & commute, there goes almost 10 hours of the 24 hour day. I have to sleep, plus getting myself & the kids ready to go in the morning, there goes another 8-9 hours. That leaves 5 hours. Oh and after work, I cook dinner, feed David, and eat myself, there’s another hour. Okay so that leaves 4 hours a day, Monday thru Friday, to spend time with my kids & husband, do chores around the house, be a Creative Memories consultant, take Lily to playdates, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills/balance the checkbook, spend time with God (which I admit has been lacking lately), plus more! None of those things I just listed are negotiable to me. Of course Phil does help with the chores, and its not like I take Lily to playdates every night of the week. I have been a little better this summer, as we have cut out the cable, and so I haven’t been watching any television really. Maybe a movie on the weekend, and Friends reruns while I’m in bed trying to go to sleep, but that’s it.  And I do feel that sometimes I am on the computer too much, but honestly, at least 80% of the time, its because I am: returning emails, paying bills online, doing stuff related to my CM business, searching for printable coupons/sales/etc, and now, blogging.  Okay the other 20% is just doing stuff on Facebook. But here is another success this week: In the past 5 days, I have cut back my facebook time by at least 50%.

Okay, I kind of got off on a tangent there. The whole point I was trying to make, is that I am struggling with time management as it is. I keep thinking to myself, how am I going to make time for the meal planning & exercising? Well, I don’t have a sure-fire answer yet, but I’m taking baby steps. [That reminds me…okay, another tangent coming]  Another struggle I’m having is related to this time management issue, and that’s David. I love both my kids to pieces. But when Lily was a baby, I always knew I’d have at least 1 more kid. But with David…he MAY be my last baby! And so when I am home with him, I never want to let him go! I don’t want to miss anything. And the times I do set him down to play on his own so that I can get a chore done, I feel so guilty! He goes to bed between 8-8:30, then I’m getting Lily ready for bed, so then its 9 pm, and I realize I have only 2 hours to accomplish everything on my To Do list that is a mile long. And I NEVER finish everything on that list. So its a never ending list. Ugh. [One more side note: I want more kids, but I don’t know how moms of more than 2 kids do it! I feel like I’m already spread so thin with only 2 kids!]

I’m posting my struggles such as these, because the more I “talk” about them, the more I am able to realize how my issues play into why I overeat, graze, and binge eat. I think its helping so far. I’ve been able to take the red pill [if you don’t get that, you need to watch the Matrix] and see my life for what it really is.

Food is my drug.

Did you ever go to church, and feel like the pastor was talking directly to you during the sermon? Yeah, that happened to me today.

I kinda had a feeling that would happen. Captain Derek spoke on Galatians 5:16-18 this morning.  “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.”

I’m not going to preach that whole sermon for you. But my problem has to do with the fact that I run to food to fill a void. For some people, its drugs, alcohol, porn, whatever. For me, its food. I use it as a coping mechanism. When I don’t want to FEEL whatever crap is going on in my life, I turn to food. We try to control our own lives with these things, but its not working for us! Like I said the other day, I have been able to give God control over other parts of my life, but not this part. But God has been calling me to give this up. I know it, and I’ve been ignoring it. I’ve been sinning. But I do not want to be a slave to this sin.

So I did have that talk with the man upstairs. I don’t want to “gratify the desires of [my] sinful nature” anymore. I want to live by the Spirit!

Step #1: Surrender. CHECK!

I’m losing it! (Not my weight, my mind)

Yesterday, I counted the things that I’m going to lose/change when I lose weight permanently. So now, why do I want to lose weight? Let me count the ways….

1. For my kids – I want to be around for them for a LONG time
2. For my husband – same as above
3. To improve my overall health
4. Because I only have 1 pair of jeans & 2 pairs of capri pants that fit right now
5. Because Lily is only 4 & is already kinda overweight…I do NOT want her to follow in my footsteps
6. I want my feet, knees, back to stop hurting
7. To not have to shop in the Plus Size section anymore
8. I really want to fit on all the rides at Harry Potter World next year
9. Because I think, in general, people will think more highly of me if I’m not so fat
10. Because I want to get out of the vicious “I’m fat because I eat, and I eat because I’m fat” cycle

Okay, some are really serious, some are just superficial. But here’s the deal, the honest truth. I want to lose this weight. I truly do. But as of right now, have I really taken a single step towards that goal (in regards to my eating & exercising habits)? NO.  I am so scared of losing it & gaining it back again that I am afraid to proceed. I don’t want to fail. So how do I fix this?

Well, I think all signs point me in the same direction. That #1 step that “Lose it for Life” is telling me: surrender. I am imperfect, and deep down, I know, if I do it all by myself, I’ll fail. But God is perfect. And you know what? I know that HE wants me to do this too. Maybe I’m losing it (in this sentence, I mean my mind), but I’ve had a few instances of little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on my other.  Every time I run to the freezer, and grab that pint of ice cream and a spoon after a bad day, I hear that nagging voice, “Don’t do it.” But I always give in to that other voice, “You know how GOOD this ice cream tastes, it will make you feel better.” God is trying to convict me of this, and I’m ignoring him. I have been avoiding talking to him much lately. Hmmm.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I’ll have a talk with the man upstairs. We’ll see what happens.

Warning. Lots of Quotation Marks.

I bought the book “Lose it for Life” by Stephen Arterburn & Dr. Linda Mintle. I only just started reading it this week, and I’m only 1.5 chapters in, but there have already been quite a few things that have hit me like a ton of bricks. In the first chapter, the book explains there are 7 steps to lose it for life: Surrender, Acceptance, Confession, Responsibility, Forgiveness, Transformation, and Preservation.

This first step, Surrender, its a doozy. 1 Peter 5:6 says, “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in his good time he will honor you.”  The book says, “You must be willing to discover what is driving the hunger and want healing more than you want food. You are unable to accomplish your goals without relinquishing control and surrendering to His way of doing things.”  That was my first brick in the face. The “relinquish control” part…easier said than done. We pretend to be in control, especially when it comes to losing weight. We pretend by lying to ourselves. We tell ourselves things like, “All I have to do is just stop eating so much” and “All I have to do is quit being so lazy and exercise more.” Okay yes, those may be PART of it – but its a lie if I tell myself that’s all I need to do.  So then, we fail, we no longer believe the lie that we can do whatever we set our minds to, and then we believe that we can’t do anything; all is hopeless.  [Mind you, I’m reading this book,  thinking, “its like they KNOW me.”]

The waterworks turned on when I got to this part: “Surrender allows you to grow as you submit to God’s authority. In order to submit, you must trust that God has good things for you and that His plans and purposes far outweigh what you bring to the table.” [Insert Brick #2] Haven’t I learned this lesson already? Hasn’t God shown me over & over & over again that He’s on my side? He has great things in store for me, and its not because I did it on my own. I KNOW that. So WHY the heck can’t I apply it to ALL areas of my life?!?!?!?

Brick #3: “Overeating serves a purpose. This purpose may not be healthy, desired, or even in your awareness, but it is there. … Most people do experience anxiety when they stop using food to cope with stress because they have to learn new ways to cope. Change, even when desired and positive, can be stressful.” Ugh. I just said yesterday that I wasn’t ready to face my demons yet. But clearly, this book is going to make me do that. In order to lose weight, and keep it off, things are gonna change.  And we’re talking serious stuff here; more than just my pants size is going to change. I’m saying goodbye to:

1. A comfortable habit and way of life.
2. A friend – I can always depend on food being there and making me feel good for the moment.
3. My best form of distraction.
4. A tried-and-true way to deal with boredom.
5. A major coping mechanism for life’s stresses.
6. My best numbing device used for emotional pain.
7. A way to satisfy needs [even though the food doesn’t really satisfy that need, I eat as if it does]
8. A cover up for fears, including failures [here’s a toughie. It’s SO  easy to say, “X happened, because I’m fat]
9. And I’m sure there’s other things I’m not admitting just yet.

WOW. That’s a lot of things to say goodbye to. A lot of change. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to go through the ringer.

Hmm. My brain just took me in a different direction. Some people know that I have a tattoo of a butterfly. Tattoos are not something that should be taken lightly; if you’re going to put permanent ink on your body, you better be sure its something important! Well, to me, butterflies are important. It has some historical significance – one of my favorite memories as a child, was going to the forest preserves with my dad and sister and we would try to catch butterflies in the fields. But it also represents my Christianity. If I ever get inked again, I am going to add to that tattoo, “2 Corinthians 5:17” which states, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” A butterfly goes through quite the transformation – he becomes a completely different creature – a NEW creation.  So, I’m going to be a beautiful butterfly.  🙂

My hard work went down the drain

So here’s my story.

I’m a big girl. And I have been as long as I can remember. As a young teen, we had to buy my clothes from the women’s plus size department. So I am familiar with being the way I am. Really, its all I know. But I have gotten bigger over the years. And I KNOW its not healthy. I WANT to lose weight. But everyone out there will tell ya, its HARD. I can vouch for that. 

Two years ago, I lost a significant amount of weight. In 7 months, I went from 283 to 220. I put a LOT of hard work into losing that weight. I joined a gym, and I was gung-ho about watching what I ate. No “fad” diets, just your standard calorie-in, calorie-out deal. It was a fantastic time in my life. Every time I lost a few more pounds, the taste of success kept me going. I felt PROUD of myself. I bought a pair of size 18 jeans and they fit!

And then, I slowly stopped going back to the gym. I was “too busy,” but I kept telling myself that next month I would hop back on the bandwagon. And the next month passed, and another few pounds came back on.  Less than 1 year after I lost 63 pounds, I put 50 of them back on.

Then I found out I was pregnant. No sense in dieting when you’re pregnant. I mean, you’re supposed to eat for two, right? [yes, that was sarcastic]

My sweet little David was born Dec. 16, and my follow up visit with my doc had me at 276. Only 6 pounds more than when I was first pregnant, but still, I was so shocked with myself that I had ever gotten down to that wonderful 220 number.

I have not been on a scale since then. I don’t want to,  because I know its higher. I’m an emotional eater, and I had a case of the “baby blues” for a few months there.

So here I am now. I want to lose weight, but just not quite ready to take the plunge. All my hard work from 2 years ago went down the drain, and my thought is, why go thru all that hard work again, if I’m just going to put that weight back on again?  I watch the Biggest Loser tv show. It’s amazing the transformation some of those people go through.  But those of you who have watched that show, know that there are some people who go through that transformation, and still gain it back! This past season, Jillian brought up a very good point. Us fat people have an underlying reason why we are fat. And we can go thru the motions to change, but unless we deal with our issues, and try to figure out those underlying reasons, then we are never going to really change.

So there it is. I’m not ready to face my demons yet. But I’m close. This blog is helping me talk thru my feelings, and *hopefully* its going to work this time. Say a prayer for me, I need all the prayers I can get.

I make up my own words to songs

You know that song, “I like to move it, move it”? Well, sometimes I sing to myself instead, “I want to lose it, lose it. I want to lose it, lose it. I want to…LOSE IT!”

This is my weight loss blog.  I need to think through a lot of things in order to make this work. Hopefully writing my thoughts down will help. And feel free to comment/leave me words of encouragement. I need it.